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12.02.2015

“The second measure being considered for implementation is called the ‘Morale Incentivication for Underperforming Workers”. Each of the workers that fall into this category will be matched with an economic intensity specialist, who will then regularly coordinate with the employee, and their manager. This specialist will be on the employee’s side, but also work with the manager to understand the unique aspects of the business and role within the company. A SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, timebound) performance improvement plan will be drawn up and agreed to by all three parties within the first month of these sessions starting. Regular visitation sessions with the specialist will serve as the catalyst for change and the fulcrum on which the employee can elevate their performance, skills, ability, motivation, and compensation. This regimen has been followed with a trial group of employees, specialists, and companies to a staggering degree of success. Employee motivation has doubled, and managerial approval has shot up three times. It is well-known that employees who lean into their jobs perform better, that they earn more in compensation, and that they drive the innovation and growth of our country’s economy. We believe the largest base of workers, which is the group I defined earlier, is also the greatest chance for increasing economic vitality across the board. Employees and companies which meet all the goals and milestones on the SMARTPIP will be rewarded with higher revenues. Those who do not meet them, both the employee and employer, will be fined an amount commensurate to the effort spent by the BEI, and an additional fee for not meeting the requirements just set forth into law by the Congressional Tribunal for America’s Economic Power; Past, Present, and Future.” Linda walked down the center aisle with an armful of materials, which stirred Tern and the others in the audience. No one had raised a hand or stirred their vocal chords, as they still absorbed and processed the meaty verbiage they’d been force-fed. Johnny met Linda in the aisle and took his own armful of materials from her. They went to the outer aisles and then distributed pamphlets and pins. Wooden pencils sat on the tables already. The pamphlets were four pages, and the pin had a ‘BEI’ acronym on a hockey-stick growth curve which transitioned from red to white to blue in a nice gradient of shiny color. “The survey in front of you,” Johnny went on in his lulling voice, “is for us to gauge your thoughts, responses, and feelings on the proposed measures we’ve discussed here today.” Linda picked up here, “And the pins are our way of saying ‘thank you’ for your help with this crucial matter.” Back to Johnny now. “There’s a spot on the back for comments, criticisms, complaints, and suggestions. Feel free to be honest.” Tern ignored the text of the questions and answers and flipped to the back. A small box was bordered with a thick box. Fine print above and below the box notified Tern that block letters must be used in the box for proper automatic hand-writing detection, and it would not be possible to preserve any content that fell within 1/4” of the inner border, or outside the box. Incredible, he thought, and shook his head. Government efforts to censor its constituents knew no bounds. Neatly, in thick, large capitals he wrote in the box.

FUCK YOU BEI

He flipped the pamphlet back over, aware that the pencil he’d just written would likely be erased before the page was scanned. He heard this happened reguuarly with the BEI’s surveys. The BEI was the brainchild of former ‘RollerCoaster Tycoon’ tycoon and microsuede-teddy-bear-with-a-periodic-table-in-the-belly magnate (it sold well in Japan) Shallon Belshampton. The slogan it used officially was “Through Inspiration, Intensification”; while the slogan it used unofficially was “What we can’t legislate, we’ll motivate.” He’d finished serving two terms as the Colorado State Supreme Court’s Head Justice after earning an honorary degree in Judicial Ethics and Legislative Consolidation from the crowd-funded Denver Polylegalic University. The nomination to Supreme Justice was effected by long-term friend and business investor Dalton Frumwhalt, Senator (Governor?) Along with being a questionably legal appointment, it was also one which pundits loved to call “wheel greasing.” You see, Dalton’s son wished to marry one of Shallon’s two daughters and secure a chance at state-wide renown as the first man to marry a conjoined twin born from the borrowed womb of a vegetative surrogate. Although many others suggested it was really to get a fast track to producing teddy bears with other study aids in the belly. The son, Dunhorn, was leading supplier of school learning aids in the Central-Western states. Shallon’s appointment had been followed by the unearthing of a decades old legal loophole which allowed the Head Justice to create bureaus for law enforcement in times of economic uncertainty. No one had the ability to call the current economy anything but uncertain, thanks to the ever-widening gap between quarterly projections and realized performance. Hence the Bureau of Economic Intensification was born. And swiftly did it roll out new enforcements and legal and tax requirements. Tern flipped back to the front of the paper, which had bold block letters notifying him that the results of these ballots would be known within two weeks and they could be requested to be viewed in printed form in person in Pueblo West the two Tuesdays following. The first question asked whether the nonecome tax should be 2% or 3% of the unemployed’s last salary. The second question, on the next page, asked whether the mandatory educational sessions should be considered as a form of taxable income for attendees for tax purposes. Instead of Yes and No, the options were “Yes, at 20% of the estimated cost.” and “Yes, at 25% of the estimated cost.” Is this a joke, Tern wondered. The third question was how often the employee, specialist, manager meetings should occur. “Once weekly, in person.” or “twice weekly, by phone.” A tiny font at the bottom of the page indicated that blank answers would be interpreted as the right most option for each answer.