12.01.2015
“The working folks who have not received more than a 2% raise over each of the last two years are obviously lacking in terms of motivation, skill, passion, or all the above. Our first plan to help get these people back into the game, and help them strengthen their own future as well as that of America’s is to give them the training they so desperately need, and connections to those who are looking for those skills, and to help these employees see just how exciting the workplace can be. Every Wednesday afternoon from 1pm to 3pm, we’ll have a meeting out at the Denver Airport’s spacious meeting center and conference hall. The people who fall into this category will be required to attend. Don’t worry, a free ticket to the event, and transportation on the Light Rail A line to the airport will be included. This will be funded, in part, but the aforementioned ‘nonecome tax’. Now, you might wonder what this event will be like, right? Don’t worry, I’ve got some of the details. Industry leaders and well-known business people and consultants and coaches and instructors will all be at these events. They’ll run seminars and have book clubs and teach courses and be motivational presences for all who attend. (All these people have had at least a 10% raise per year for each of the last three years!) Three half-hour sessions will be required per person per week. One half-hour interview or personal improvement one-on-one will also be required. Attendances are logged and tallied, of course. (What do the posters have on them? Charts of fees, dates of importance, and the name of the initiative?) These are a costly endeavour, so we aim to ensure everyone attends. Absences follow a three strikes rule. After the third missed session, a fee will be leverages. It will apply retrospectively from the very first session we host and will have an exponentially increasing fine per absence incurred. The precise details of the fine will depend on the individual’s tax history and income brackets. Attendance is highly recommended because there will be additional administrative fees associated with each absence, fee enforcement, and fare collection. These will be so much fun, however, that we expect the absence rate to be incredibly low. And I’m sure we can all expect everyone here to be faithful attendees, right?” This was another rhetorical question because he didn’t even look out across the group. The posterboard dove back behind the desk as another lept out. This had the same format as the others: large text at the top with the name of the initiative (this one was ‘Morale Incentivization For Underperforming Workers’), along with a series of charts, bars, graphs, and assorted numbers and dates, all set beside stock photos of people smiling and really joining in on some group high gives.